interrobang (‽)

So, further to my last missive, this car accident I was involved in turned into as much fun and games as I thought it would be.

Because it was clearly the fault of the other guy - one Taylor Osborne - my insurance company (Geico) bounced it to the other driver’s insurance company (Farmers). Farmers then spent a good month trying to, in their words, “establish coverage”. Which means that they weren’t entirely convinced that the guy was insured at all. As I suspected, he was actually claiming insurance under his father’s policy. The way it works over here is that you insure a vehicle, and as long as you - the owner of the vehicle / policy - give permission to someone else to drive your car, then they are covered under the same policy.

Where it gets complicated here is that Osborne Jr. was in a rental car. It turns out he is 18 years old, and you need to be 21 to rent a car. Which means that he didn’t rent the car himself. I’m guessing that daddy rented it for him, which means that Farmers was probably pushing back on paying out because Osborne Jr. wasn’t directly insured. I’d also bet that Osborne Sr. - an Attorney - argued that because he rented the car, he had ownership, therefore if he gave his son permission to drive it, then his son was covered under his policy. Or some other such legal twaddle. Whatever the argument, Farmer’s finally capitulated and agreed that Taylor Osborne was actually covered. Well hurrah, for that. At least that meant that I could claim against his insurance instead of using the ‘uninsured driver’ clause on my own policy.

Sadly, the even break didn’t last long. Once Farmers had agreed that their party was insured, they got down to business, and called me up to arrange a time for a “recorded statement”. This sounded very grand, and I had visions of having to swear on a Bible (for all the difference that makes to a Buddhist…) in front of witnesses, but the reality was a tad more mundane. Instead, the same claims adjustor I had been working with phoned me up at a pre-agreed time, and recorded our conversation over the phone. Which is pretty much what all companies do all the time anyway, “for training purposes”. (shyeah, right, training!). Anyway, I duly gave my statement, and left them to it. They say they were getting a recorded statement from their insured, and once they had that, they’d be back in touch.

All goes quiet until last week (some seven weeks after the accident) when I get a voicemail from Farmers, telling me they are closing the claim. Without paying out. WHAT?? I call them back, and the claims person tells me that they have been unable to get a recorded statement from the other party, and as they have no-one to corroborate “your version of what happened”, they “had no choice but to close the claim”. WHAAAT??? Firstly, this is not a “version”, this is what happened! Secondly, if you can’t find anyone to corroborate it, that means that you don’t have anyone to refute it ether. So stump up!

It turns out that Farmers had been bombarding the Osbornes with phone calls, leaving voicemails, writing letters, and doing everything bar going round and knocking on their door (which I would have done myself - with a brick - if I’d known where they lived), but the Osbornes refused to call back, or answer any correspondence. So basically, Mr Big-Shot Attorney knew that if Farmer’s couldn’t get a statement then they couldn’t proceed with the claim, and just clammed up. Fifth Amendment, and all that. What a deceitful piece of shit! I know I shouldn’t be surprised, what with him being an Attorney (which makes him about as trustworthy as a $5 crack-whore), but really - we’re talking about what I guessed would be $500 worth of damage that anyone can clearly see was caused by his weasel of a son. So man up, and pay up!

But then, I had a brainwave. “Hold on,” I asked Farmers, “Doesn’t the Police Report corroborate my ‘version’ of the story?” (Unfortunately I was on the phone, so she couldn’t see me making the inverted air-commas with my fingers, but I’m sure she could pick them up from my overly-sarcastic intonation…). “Well, yes, if we had the Police Report, then that would be a different matter…but we don’t”. OK, missy, let me do your job for you, then.

So I called up the local Police Records Office (who then referred me to the grandly-titled “Mobility Incident Management” - a.k.a. “Crash” - group), and within ten minutes, had a downloadable PDF of the full, original Police Report. And all for the princely sum of $6.00 in ‘administrative fees’. Marvelous! And what a revelation that turned out to be. The officer had clearly written that “vehicle #1 failed to control speed, striking vehicle #2 in the rear”, and “PI determined by driver’s statements and vehicle damage”, which was the ‘corroboration’ I needed. And what were those “driver’s statements”? Mine was a succinct “I was rear-ended”. And Taylor Osborne’s? “I could not stop in time. The other driver just slammed on his brakes.” WTF? You lying sack of shit! At no time did I do anything other than drive in a straight line at a constant speed. Why would I just slam on the brakes? Traffic was flowing just fine. Fortunately, Osborne Jr’s version didn’t hold up, as the Officer attested by writing “no skidmarks” on his report (but I bet he didn’t check Taylor Osborne’s pants - he was looking decidedly nervous until daddy turned up to ‘rescue’ him…).

Anyway, I duly sent the $6 report off to Farmers, who got back to me within 24 hours to say that “after reviewing the facts” (see, they’re facts now, and not a version…) they agreed that their insured was at fault, and would be paying up. Hurrah for the small guy! (That’d be me…). The next day the loss adjuster was round to assess the damage and give me a quote for repairs. Which came in at $2,500! For a bumper and a light cluster. To be honest, if John Osborne had offered to bung me a monkey to cover it I would have taken him up on it. I hate to think how much his insurance premiums on a Rolls Royce will go up with a claim on the policy. Can’t be cheap. But then again, if you’re driving around in a Rolls Royce I’m sure you can afford it. Still, that’s what you get for being a such a dick about things. And he still has his son’s ticket to pay. (Osborne Jr. was cited for “Failure to control speed (Acceleration)” and as Jr. is a “student” I guess daddy will be footing the bill. Again.)

And as a final bit of fun, I noticed on the Police Report that the car was leased by Enterprise. So I give them a call, and fill them in on the details. Unsurprisingly, they knew nothing about it. But they did tell me that it is in breach of contract to allow someone under 18 to even drive a car that you have rented, regardless of insurance. So now Enterprise is taking a close look at Osborne Sr. to see if they want to file any charges or claims of their own. Result!

So now my car is in the shop enjoying a $2,500 dollar makeover, courtesy of John Taylor, whilst I drive around in a very nice rental car - coincidentally also from Enterprise, and also at his expense. Sometimes, justice does prevail. It’s just a pity you have to fight to get it.

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